neda's blog

I keep forgetting to write here.

what should I put in my resume?

I am supposed to make my resume. I have made my resume several times but every time I want to make a new one, I feel miserable. I have no idea what should I write? The main reason is I have no self esteem whatsoever,  I am not sure if I know enough of something to put in my resume. I don't consider myself to be very bright or clever but I see so many people who are mostly like me (considering intelligence or knowledge) but they all have jobs.

  Most of the times I wish I could have started over from college again, doing another bachelor in something more interesting and maybe easier. Not that I believe mathematics is not interesting, but I feel it is not my cup of tea, maybe because I am not smart enough.

I don't know why I have not tried it again, something is holding me back and I need to overcome, but how?! Maybe one day when I can afford studying, I will go back to school. Sometimes I wish I could find a very easy job, something which gives me time to study again. Although,  with all the things on the web I could have learned any thing I would like.  Do I really need to go back to school?

 

complicated life

Sometimes it is really hard and impossible to understand people. I truly try to be on their shoes, try to be as nice as possible, and etc. However, none of them is really working. Sometimes I wish my friends (or maybe I should call them acquaintances , or some other names which I don't know it now) would do the same for me.

Like yesterday, we were supposed to go to a concert. But the day before yesterday (Friday), one of our friends sent an email to ask everyone to go out. We had some guests and we couldn't go, and at first it looked like everyone is kind of busy so we decided to postpone the gathering considering we would meet the next day (Saturday). Then yesterday morning, one of them called us and asked if we can get a ride  to one of her friend who lives close to us for the concert. I said of course, and I told her we can also go and pick them up. She told me, the night before, they went out with the rest of the group and they all would meet at their apartment. I thought we can go to their place so we all go together, she had our tickets and they all know the area much better than us. I was thinking they are in one car, we are in ours and we drive together.  Then when we wanted to leave our home, another friend  called us and said their plan has been changed, because A hasn't been ready yet and couldn't pick them up. So she and her roommate can't be in 1st Friend's home. She asked me if we can give them a ride, I thought we have two more seats and why not! So I called my friend and said we can't come to your place because it would be get really late. She got kind of angry and asked me how should we come ? I was like :O! I don't know , we just have two more seats, either you guys or the other friends should take your car.  She said because we live closer to you so come to our place and  call them and say they should bring their car! I was shocked and didn't know what should I tell her? I didn't want to be rude, but I felt she was kind of bossy and rude!  I really wanted to remind her that she told me we can go by ourselves and she just asked me to ride for her Friend. I thought  I better not to say anything, otherwise it is going to be a big deal. So I did as she told me, called the other friend and said sorry we can't come to your place.  It made me really sad and then I get even more upset considering they went out and planned something and didn't consider us until the last minute when they didn't have a ride. I really want to not think about it, but can't think it didn't matter at all. During the concert I also felt the second friend is kind of unhappy with me. But F told me, it wasn't your fault and for sure our second friend should know that. I try not to think about the whole situation.

 

13th, traditionally unlucky number, historically lucky number for me

Today, or should I say yesterday,  was the 13th day of Spring. We always go out on this day, 13th is an unlucky number in our culture. Therefore, people use to go out and  symbolically take out their bad luck out of their home.  I always like this special day cause when we were kids, we often went to a garden or a place with a huge yard and we had a great time just playing and of course eating whatever we liked. My mom always cooks some iranian soap (we called it Ash) and some chicken kabob which are both my favorite dishes. Another good point was that all the people I enjoyed having them around were with us on this special day, like my uncles, my aunts, even my mom's cousins. As we have gotten older, our city has gotten more crowded and it made really hard to go out and find a good place. But I couldn't stand staying home or going to a close place. Until I was living with my parents, I was forcing them to go out of town 2days before 13th so in 13th we could have a special day as my childhood. These years, with me not around them, they just stay home, play and eat together. 

Today morning, I woke up really late. We didn't have any special plan for today. But I couldn't stand just not doing anything. I called my friends to come up with something and we decided to just play cards at our place. Then F told me about Carmen and said we can go there. So change of plan, we did go to Carmen and it was really a great idea. My first time there and although it was really cold and windy there, but I enjoyed the scenery, ocean, and a little bit shopping. I bought a little wooden bird for our home, it really looks cute. 

 

What Books Are You Reading?

I started to choose which books I am going to read each month and write about them at the 1st of each month. In this way, maybe I am pushed a little bit and don't to leave a book unfinished.  For March I wanted to read "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" and "The Island Beneath the Sea". Fortunately I finished reading both of them and enjoyed them a lot, specially I really liked the second one, it is a very well written book beside it was helping me to understand about the difficult life and time for colored people in 200 years ago in America. 

Now I am reading "The Help". This book seems a bit long so I guess I am not going to finish it in March. I should find more fun books for April. The good point is I have so many books on my iPad so I can easily choose some books from them.

 

 

new year resolution

I know, new year resolution doesn't seem to be a good idea! Because I hardly ever stick to my plans and finish the way I like.  But it has been a very long time that I want to change myself and my life. Oh, I forgot to mention! Last Monday was the first day of spring and our (Persian) new year starts with spring. So once again I am sitting in my comfortable chair and making new year resolutions. I keep telling myself, as you get older it will be much harder to change your life and turn it into your dream life so please start it right now!

One of the things, I should do is reading at least 50 pages per day, specially I should read before my bed time. When I was single, I often read my books at night right before sleeping. Maybe because at mornings and afternoon I was attending my classes or hanging out with my sisters and friends but at night I was always alone. As I got older, I started to use internet and unfortunately mostly wasting my time on web so reading before bed time is not my first option anymore. Recently, I was reading an article (I forgot where) and it said watching TV or reading News before bed is somehow causing you loosing a healthy sleep. It surely is true for me. Specially reading News makes me having bad dreams.

The next thing, I need to do is to exercise three times a week. 

I also should write more often, here or in my notebook. 

This list has more items, will write about them later.

writing instead of talking

*When somebody makes you sad and it seems he/she even doesn't know about it, what are you going to do?
I usually tell people in this kind of situations. However, it has never had any good result. They usually don't accept that they are responsible and if they do accept it, they would say: we didn't want to and that's all! It even makes me feel worse. It has been a while that I am sad about some little things, because of all my experiences in the past I prefer no to talk to anybody about it. So I decided to write about it, not about the little things, just to write I am sad and accept it as a reality which I can not do anything about it. 

* I have stared to read "the island beneath the sea" and it takes me so long. I lost my motivation to finish it now! But I hate not finishing it.

making plans

It is just getting harder and harder for me to be active and motivated at the same time. I just made a weekly plan for myself, how much should I read/write/translate/exercise. I am also looking for a hobby, something like knitting, baking or maybe painting. I am not really sure which one I enjoy more.  Now, because we live in SF,  there is no use to knitting. I used to do some painting, nothing serious. I guess I will start to do it again!

I have started driving. Actually if it was up to me, I wouldn't start doing it. Driving is somehow making me uncomfortable. Honking, speeding, ... all these make me nervous. But her in California unlike Quebec the public transportation is pretty bad. I need lots of practice then I should go for the behind the wheele exam, I did my written exam before I went to my vacation.

 

 

Back

I got back from a long vacation. I should start writing again. Right now I don't have any idea what should I say? Maybe about "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo", I just finished reading it. It was shocking and I still can not believe it. How on earth in 21 century there are so much violence against women and girls. Maybe I was naive,  I should have figured it out. When I was younger, I did have so many problems but I never have imagined the rate of rape is that high. My first decision after I read the book was I should read more documents about violence. I need to find someone to guide me through it. I finished reading the book in March 8th, what a coincidence.

My days are passing

It's been a long time since I was writing something! I am wondering what is wrong with me as I am supposed to get ready for GRE test and going to a creative writing I need to write a lot. 

I guess the most important reason is, I don't have anything special to write about it. Every morning I am struggling to wake up and start my studying while I am listening to the news and guess what, there is nothing good going on. It seems the whole world is taking a part. With all the bad news about health, war, lack of pure water or global warming and etc. I thought I may have a depression or something like that because of all the moving and being in a new country and city and have no close family or friends around here. Now I think it is not just me, it looks like if you do care about others, you will feel the same way. Like in the past three weeks I was SHOCKED about teenagers (or if it matters, I should say teenagers and children) who killed themselves because of being bully in the school or college. Still I can't believe it, you kill yourself at the age 13 because you are small. After all these past 10-15 years, I thought now less people at least in US care about straight or gay and respect each other or maybe because I live in Montreal, I felt that way. I was so wrong and there are plenty of these bad news all over the media. How about if I stop listening to the news? This one is never an option, first I always tell myself if you don't know, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Second, specially now I am in a new environment which apparently is much more different than what I have thought I need to know more. Without listening to the news or reading them, I can't learn anything. 

So after all these disgusting news and events, I commence to learn more English words. Anyway, without using them, I am not sure if it worths it or not. I also waste a lot of time on surfing the web, mostly in facebook, twitter and google reader. I may watch something on the TV as well. Yeah, I am not accomplishing very much lately. Hope to be more active.